Carrying the Weight of the World on My Shoulders

Over the last few weeks, I have been in a mood to say the least. I have been on a very emotional roller coaster-from Corona Virus taking over my life, to the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Rayshard Brooks At one point, I felt like I was losing control completely. I didn't know how to feel, I didn't know what to say and sleep was not on the table. I was feeling concerned about every black person in America. I had a knot in my stomach worrying about my son, mainly because he is a black male, but also I feared for our two girls. Although all of my children are adults, a mother never stops being concerned about her children.

I felt like I was trapped inside of a horror movie. All of my childhood pain of growing up while being black came flooding back. I started to question every step I made. I was fearful of taking a walk alone and scared to drive. I was also scared to go to the store because at any moment I could be accused of something, the police could be called and it could be the end. Maybe it seems like I am being dramatic or over the top, but this is my reality. I franticly called my son daily to make sure he was being careful on the road and obeying all the traffic rules. When I could finally get some sleep, I would wake up sweating from nightmares about George Floyd. Never had I ever witnessed someone being murdered on national television, much less over a $20.00 bill. I couldn't get his last words out of my head. I CAN'T BREATHE" he said repeatedly as he begged for his life while the officer showed no regard for his life After that 8 minutes and 46 seconds that George Floyd laid on the ground with a police officer's knee on his neck and took his last breath...the world would be forever changed. I had also changed. The Black Lives Matter Movement had an instant rebirth.

It now seemed like the world was resting on my shoulders. I was in an emotional war, of which I could see no way out. I had to allow myself to enter into the five stages of grief. Why? I repeatedly asked myself. Why him? What was going on in that officer's head? Why didn't anybody take action to stop him? I was not alone in asking these questions, all of America was seeking the same answers. Anger and rage settled into my head. I was so made and upset that I couldn't focus. I felt like I was having a out of body experience everyday. I was just going through the motions, but I felt numb inside. Then, I started to act as if it really never happened. I couldn't allow myself to process this, because this type of thing couldn't really be happening in the year 2020. After several days of anger rage, and denial it then turned into tears. I cried for days. The slightest little thing would bring me to tears, and not only tears, I was in total fear. Who would be next? Will justice be served? I had reached my breaking point.

I found myself struggling to make meaning of this. What was the purpose? What was the plan? I don't have the answers yet, but now that these issues are being publicized I know we need to keep them in the spotlight and work to resolve them before we suffer another unnecessary loss of life.

The fight still continues below are some ways you can help:

1. Consciously support Black Owned businesses and restaurants

2. Read books or watch movies to educate yourself on systematic racism

3. Register to vote and exercise your right to vote

4. Stop supporting organizations that promote hate

5. Show kindness, compassion, and appreciation to others

Everyday take responsibility for change right where you are. If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk the crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

-Martin Luther King Jr.